Recently I made contact with an ex-boyfriend. I’m not sure what I was expecting or why I made the contact. Perhaps it was about knowing he was still out there, knowing he would acknowledge me or perhaps testing out my own current thoughts on the relationship.

This is a guy who completely broke my heart. For the first time in my life, I was understanding what a ‘broken heart’ actually meant. The physical pain that is felt, the emotional struggle that needs to be dealt with and the mental anguish that a broken heart puts you through. Oh! the thoughts, the feelings, the senses. I can truly understand how a broken heart can cripple you, have you withdraw and send your life into chaos.

I struggled, and I struggled hard. As a deep thinker, I would recall every event, every conversation, every action and try to determine what the hell happened. Every waking hour is about the relationship, sifting through the history and dealing with the loss of any future plans/goals etc. You spend so much time pulling the relationship apart whilst also trying to put together the pieces, trying to understand what happened (or what didn’t happen) and then struggling with your own self thoughts. You need to readjust plans/goals and how you imagine life was going to be. Your thoughts sporadically bounce between the good, the bad and the ugly of the relationship. One minute you have convinced yourself that it was the best relationship of your life and you can not live without it, the next, you see the parts of the relationship that weren’t happy and are then convinced that you are better without the relationship. This constant too and fro does your head in, and you constantly pray that you wake up and will have no thoughts again of the relationship and that from here your life will just continue. But you can’t ‘just continue’ until you have dealt with it all. At some point in time you have to deal with it. Sure, you could dust it under the rug, hide it in the cupboard, but eventually down the track it’ll come back and need to be dealt with.

What you don’t realise at the time, is that you need to experience all this in order to grow and develop within yourself. The freedom of getting to the other side and watching/feeling yourself move forward and reestablish yourself is just so rewarding.

I now know that I made contact as part of my ‘moving on phase’. To me it felt like a final goodbye, even if the words didn’t say that. I’ve done the tears, I’ve done the physical hurt and the mental anguish and my emotional struggle is now to the point of allowing me to move on. I can move on, feeling no regret, at peace with forgiving what has happened and with plenty of love in my heart to continue with lifes journey.

I am thankful for the opportunity to personally grow and to have the time to understand, not only myself better, but the life I want to live and how I want to live it.

Just because it didn’t last forever, doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth your while – unknonwn

Kx